"Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius" Update Page

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- A Note to the Readers

2006-11-06T05:36:00.000-05:00

Sadly, we learn that the experiment is over. Prides and Prejudices, Monday 06 November 2006.

NOTICE TO THE READERS

Dearest Readers,

As has been grimly hinted at for some time, as of this date "Prides and Prejudices" will no longer claim or make effort to update daily.

This venture was launched to see whether there was a sufficient market for longer, humorous articles in the style I write them: After two months, some 60,000 words, and over one hundred illustrations, it seems the answer is no. While, on average, the site has attracted between 350-500 daily visitors, they are all so intelligent they don't care to have anything to do with either the Google contextual advertising or the Amazon Affiliate recommendations. The site's expenses are not many, but the writing and illustration requires considerable time and effort, and it does seem that the website should at least pay for itself, and a few new Magic Markers. Various suggestions regarding different merchandising and other promotional ideas have been put forward, but selling tee-shirts and coffee mugs of dubious merit is not reason enough for me to spend all of my evenings with pen in hand-- I could more profitably hawk such wares from a faux cart at the mall. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Keira's Weekly Quiz!

2006-11-03T05:42:00.000-05:00

Another Weekly Quiz, for the week of 30 October! Do you even remember that it was Hallowe'en a few days ago, let alone what insightful yet hilarious remarks were made about it on "Prides and Prejudices?" Find out! Prides and Prejudices, Friday 03 November 2006.

[on to the Quiz!]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Email from the Delightful Readers

2006-11-03T05:35:00.000-05:00

Sorry this is a day late, but Blogger was down yesterday morning. Prides and Prejudices, Thursday 02 November 2006.

EMAIL FROM THE DELIGHTFUL READERS

Dear Miss Marilyn,

What do the following letters have in common?

A F J Y F B M E Q

Also, I work in the produce department of a supermarket and people are always asking me how they grow those little baby carrot thingies, and I don't know how to answer, so I just fall down. Are they hydroponic?

Mr H----- J----

Dear Supplicant Mr H-----,

Thanks for the red herrings, H--ie! You ought to work for the Defense Department!

Love, Keira

* * *

Dear Miss Halfpint,

For some years now, whenever I have verbally indicated my affection for my boyfriend he has responded with a lethargic, "Ditto." This was irritating enough for me to suspend physical relations with him, but, curiously, he has neither pressed the issue nor mended his apathetic ways.

To make matters worse, I was flipping through the crappier cable channels last Sunday afternoon while waiting for the noodle water to boil, and found myself watching an extremely predictable movie from a while back called "Ghost." Turns out, the bf lifted the "ditto" line! For all I know, he thinks all this "ditto" stuff is romantic and adorable. As I have implied throughout, he's no genius.

What am I supposed to do now? I am overweight.

Ms M---- P-------

Dear Supplicant Ms M----,

All things considered, you should probably give it some time!

Love, Keira . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Ranger Ricky on Opossums and Glass Frogs

2006-11-01T06:31:00.000-05:00

Zounds! Another month, another Ranger Ricky! Prides and Prejudices, Wednesday 01 November 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S AMAZING ANIMALS

This Week: Fairly Pissy

When trying to determine what it is that's most objectionable about rats, it is easy to become fixated on their movements. Watching the athleticism and speed with which a rat furtively sneaks around in their hyper-vigilant way, performing wild leaps and ferocious acts of vandalism, is surely nauseating, but it's not the whole story-- not by a long shot. Were you to drug a rat with enough Quaaludes to slow them down to quarter-time and reduce their acrobatic skills to a clumsy shuffle, you would still not like looking at them. We know this as Fact because of opossums.

Opossums look pretty much like giant rats, with adults weighing in at about 6kg, which is about the same as my overly stout kitties. Besides their looks, another reason to lump opossums in with rats and cockroaches is their scavenging. Like rats, opossums will eat almost anything they can get into their mouths: insects, earthworms, fruits, seeds, frogs, snakes, mice, eggs, and even baby rabbits and squirrels. The opossums which live in urban areas are famous for knocking over garbage cans and rooting through the trash, as well as ravaging vegetable gardens. This lack of dietary discrimination seems to be the only explanation as to how opossums have survived for 200 million years, since they are surely one of the dumbest creatures in existence-- what else, besides stupidity, is there to explain humans spending half their lives fishing dead opossum bodies out of their swimming pools? . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- A Tetra Cartoon: "Don't Let It Get You Down, Tet!"

2006-10-31T04:10:00.000-05:00

The fortieth new page added to the site! And what could be a greater Treat for Hallowe'en than another bog, colorful Tetra cartoon? Do you not immediately see that Treat is an anagram of Tetra! Think about it! [continue on to the cartoon]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- On Making an Original Hallowe'en Costume

2006-10-30T02:32:00.000-05:00

Holy smokes, it's Hallowe'en! Let's pretend to be Topical. Prides and Prejudices, Monday 30 October 2006.

ON MAKING AN ORIGINAL HALLOWE'EN COSTUME

-- Keira's Guide to Artistic Expression in Pursuit of Candy --

Until relatively recently, Hallowe'en was a fun time for small children to play dress-up in cheap costumes and gorge themselves on commercial confectionary which might or might not contain peanuts or razor blades placed there by those seeking to kill them. At some point in early adolescence the desire for free candy was overtaken by the desire to not seem like babies wrapped in thin plastic super hero garb or hobo make-up, and these young adults resorted to performing anally aggressive pranks against householders, and stealing from their younger siblings. Adults didn't mess with Hallowe'en at all except to hand out loot and clean toilet paper from their bushes, unless they were the sort who also went in for orgies.

Concurrent with the mass abrogation of civic responsibilities and the infantilization of the culture begun under the Reagan administration, however, over the past two decades Hallowe'en has become the most popular of non-religious holidays among adults, taken as an excuse by those of all ages to make statements about their inner life through choice of costume. Leaving to the side for the moment the unnecessary addition of another artificial date upon which public drunkenness might be indulged, this Hallowe'en Boom should rightly be seen as representing a starving public's desire for some form of Personal Creativity and Self-Expression in their lives. As such, this ought to be encouraged, as a healthy release for minds too often trapped in unrewarding and repetitively dehumanizing work. Unfortunately, what we see in the Adult Hallowe'en is not a grand flowering of Originality, but that the general public has no talent for Art, or Artistic Thinking. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Keira's Weekly Quiz!

2006-10-27T04:50:00.000-04:00

Another week, another hilarious Quiz to see what you recall from the past week's Prides and Prejudices fun. Prides and Prejudices Quiz, Friday 27 October 2006. When we're done, are you going to make us play Trivial Pursuit, or can we just sit quietly, with our heads on our desks?

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Another Letter from De Selby, 2015

2006-10-26T06:06:00.000-04:00

Thirty-eight articles! Is it a novel, yet? Prides and Prejudices, Thursday 26 October 2006.

ANOTHER LETTER FROM DE SELBY, 2015

Mother, Most Dear,

How it pains and pulls at my heart to have to offer you my Goodnight Kisses by this horrid proxy of India ink and vellum-- There are truly salt tears rolling down my angelic face, yet I will bravely on, as I must. Would only that I were able to press your own sweet cheek to mine, and feel your honeyed kisses to my brow, and that I might feel your absence as only a secret fear instead of this cold and dreary reality. O, the constant brooding which has overtaken our House! What emptiness to be filled, and how poor we are, without you! What pleasures you give us, and in your goodness and generosity give us not only of yourself, but also the pleasure of showering you with praises-- and even the pleasure of the wonderful memories of you, in our tears.

I recount these tears not to torment you with the greatest sadness I have known in my own eight small years, but to inspire your speedy return to the warm bosom of your family-- While the Glorious Paper you are presenting at your Classical Archaeology Conference is undoubtedly a great honor (and yet another reason for us climb to the rooftops that we might crow and boast to the world of our familiarity), still, how we miss you! I know without qualification that your Paper will be received with adulation and awe, but will your scarf be sufficient to keep from your soft neck the Arctic winds of the City? Of course you could Knit yourself another in no time at all, but what if your needles were confiscated from your flight bag? Knowing of your competence answers each of my questions in turn, but still, it is my duty to fret for your comfort and well-being.

I report to you that the Captain is most devastated to be separated from your kind spirit, and has been unusually curt and officious with both the household staff and myself. Of course, he apologizes immediately, and all forgive his short bursts of bad temper under the circumstances, but what a soothing influence you are to his soul! At breakfast this morning he arched his eyebrow at me when I added a second helping of berries to my oatmeal; later in the morning, he questioned my understanding of nominative case; and then, just before lunch, he rather sarcastically referred to me as "Desi" when I commented upon his insipid use of Italian clichés. . . .[continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- A Tetra Cartoon! "Do You Dig It, Tetra?"

2006-10-25T04:12:00.000-04:00

Today, another exciting Tetra cartoon, presented in bright, bold colors, and subtle, heartrending words. This one's about an archaeological dig! [continue on to the cartoon]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Ranger Ricky on Penguins

2006-10-24T05:40:00.000-04:00

The thirty-fifth big article! Prides and Prejudices, Tuesday 24 October 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S AMAZING ANIMALS
This week: A Crèche on You

It seems to have taken some individuals quite a long time to come to the conclusion that I am biased against birds. (Or maybe it has just taken them this long to compose their furious emails, using the hunt-and-peck method.) While there is most assuredly an argument to be made for an anti-avian viewpoint-- since birds are almost all horrible, disease-infested creatures with gross habits and hideous calls-- I really think I ought to be the one making the blanket generalizations, here, not the readers. A reasonably quiet, pretty bird that was fairly clean wouldn't be so bad, especially if it lived very far away, and there was almost no chance of encountering one of their feathers and losing a fingernail to a nasty infection. As an example of my emotional generosity on this front, allow me to take the controversial stand of being mildly pro-penguin.

Penguin mash notes are so common as to be trite-- a characteristic even my most devoted enemies have never accused me of possessing-- so don't think I will be glossing over anything in my synopsis, however. Actually, almost everybody thinks they like penguins since the vast majority of people only encounter them in nature films, or through thick glass, and they are easy to identify in picture books and at zoos. (Even creationists decided they were in favor of them, after seeing a rather evolutionarily light-weight documentary on the Emperor penguin that had a fair bit of commercial success last year.) Besides the always helpful lens of distance, not hurting the penguin's popularity is the fact that their antics can be comical to watch, and the equally important fact that they seem to taste fairly nasty to humans, so carnivores don't have to emotionally separate themselves from them, in order to assuage their consciences. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Ms Keira Critiques Student Projects

2006-10-23T02:15:00.000-04:00

Imagine the thrills of another Monday article! Prides and Prejudices, Monday 23 October 2006.

MS [KEIRA] CRITIQUES STUDENT PROJECTS

Dear Troll,

When you asked to change your paper topic to The Body Electric I had assumed you were speaking about Walt Whitman, not incorrectly referencing a short erotic work you apparently found on the Internet, by "Anonymous." Your enthusiasm for lengthy quotation notwithstanding, I do not find that this work is, or will be, a part of the Slough High School Gifted and Talented English curriculum.

I am sure your disappointment in my decidedly unfavorable ruling on this matter will be nothing compared to the disappointment you will soon face when attempting to put into practice some of the more outlandish suppositions of your nameless friend's imagination.

Love, Keira
- - - - -

Dear Fussy,

Just because your uncle thinks Dryden thought Dryden was better than Shakespeare doesn't mean you're ready to graduate.

B-.

Love, Keira
- - - - -

Dear Spiff,

I am sorry to hear that your white speckled hen died when you were six-- I admit that I did not know that livestock were permitted in the city limits, even as pets. Your eulogy is quite touching, and I'm sure that your feeding it Pop Rocks had nothing to do with its untimely demise.

However, that the word 'hen' makes up the greater proportion of the word 'Henry' seems like a stretch, in your currently offering your chicken remembrances as the bulk of your summary of the action in Henry V, Life of a King. I must ask you to revise.

Love, Keira . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Keira's Weekly Quiz!

2006-10-20T05:16:00.000-04:00

Imagine, another week completed! And another hilarious Quiz written! Come and see whether you have been paying even the slightest attention, or if this is like throwing ice cubes at the wall. [continue on to the Quiz!]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- A Tetra Cartoon: "It's a Scorcher, Tetra!"

2006-10-19T03:06:00.000-04:00

Yay! Another Tetra cartoon! Prides and Prejudices, Thursday 19 October 2006.
This time, Tetra is working on a new invention to help protect his home from his arch-enemy, a cat named Kiki! [continue on to the cartoon]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Letter from De Selby, 2015

2006-10-18T05:43:00.000-04:00

An incredible amount of words! Prides and Prejudices, Wednesday 18 October 2006.

LETTER FROM DE SELBY, 2015

Dearest Mother,

It is with consummate pain that I take this metal nib between my stubby little fingers to scrawl for you a cream-colored parchment prayer for the return of your Graces. My heart collapses into my round belly when I think of the inadvertent pain I must have caused you, that you should take refuge in silence, rather than greet me as Son, Most Dear, and keep yourself hidden away within your bedquarters, rather than join us for our evening Musicale. I cannot deny the circumstances and actions which have caused your displeasure and ire, yet will you not allow me to explain my motives and intent, that you might see that it was only out of a desire to Please You that these regrettable and accursed events took place? I plead with you to call down your Mercy upon me, and once again brighten our library and our hearts with your Presence. You know full well that for no member of our household, from the baby kittens in the scullery to the aged Captain in his Tower, could there ever be a greater punishment than your Denial.

It was with Song in my voice that I stood upon the low rock wall that surrounds the orchard this afternoon, reaching upwards to gather ripe Rome apples into my musette bag, so that we might enjoy them together, crisp and delicious, after the evening meal. My mind was engaged with no thought more profound than the pleasure I hoped to bring to our dining hall, and no more rebellious to your desires and wishes than the overture to Mozart's "Cosi Fan Tutte," with which I had hoped to entertain you with this evening. Thus, when a gentleman approached on foot from the road and asked directions to the Manor, I of course engaged him in such courteous conversation and repartée as my eight years can provide. I do confess that as we spoke of the state of our orchard, I took a distrust of the gentleman, as he seemed too eager to display his knowledge of seasonal fruit to a child. My distrust soon turned to scarce-contained contempt when he continually referred to me with the insultingly familiar "Desi," yet I kept my peace, to see what this gentleman's business was with this household. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Ranger Ricky on Macaws

2006-10-17T04:11:00.000-04:00

The thirtieth huge article! Prides and Prejudices, Tuesday 17 October 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S AMAZING ANIMALS
This Week: I'm a Macaw!

There always seems to be somebody who wants a pet parrot, and there's no way to talk them out of it. This is one of the ways you can prove that people never learn.

Parrots make truly awful pets, and are responsible for more children losing fingers than bi-fold closet doors and pocket knives combined. Parrots haven't the slightest notion of an Inside Voice, and will screech inside a closed room at a decibel level akin to a jet engine taking off. Parrots are so unhygienic in their eating and bowel habits that to describe the areas around their perches is to conjure up images of the carnage left after two armies have faced off. Making matters worse is their self-mutilating neuroses of feather-plucking, which leaves bits of disease-filled after-feather and barb filling the air like pollen in a Ridley Scott movie. The question of parrots spreading chlamydia to other mammals isn't something I don't feel like going into, but it certainly has happened. Of course the parrot's gaudy coloring, messy eating, uncontrollable evacuation, and distressing outbursts of public profanity are the hilarious habits that draw Fecal Muralists to pursuing their dream of having a parrot as a pet in the first place. (The chlamydia threat doesn't bother parrot owners at all, since how could it get any worse, right?) These would be the same sort of people who enjoy practical jokes along the lines of joy buzzers, spring-filled cans of peanuts, and beating a homeless person into concussion with a trashcan lid. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- More Parent-Teacher Correspondence

2006-10-16T00:54:00.000-04:00

It is almost impossible to believe, but another article has been published! Prides and Prejudices, Monday 16 October 2006.

MORE PARENT-TEACHER
CORRESPONDENCE

Dear Ms Fruitcup, While watching "The Newshour with Jim Lehrer" it is my occasional habit to close my eyes and pretend that I am living in the days of yore, when radio was king. Is there something wrong with this? It's not an erotic practice. Ms K-- D---

Dear Supplicant Ms K--,

Not wrong-- just suspicious!

Love, Keira

* * * * *

Dear Miss Slapfish, It was pretty funny the other day: I was cleaning out the trunk of an abandoned car and found a collection of your classroom handouts pasted neatly in a scrapbook-- Most likely the work of some homeless heroin addict who shared your nihilistic lack of purpose. My cousin and I were looking them over, and trying to decide if there could be any "profession" less useful and more degrading to the human spirit than that of high school English teacher. All we could come up with was talk-radio host, or blogger. How do you justify your existence to yourself each morning? It's a small world, baby, but you seem to be shrinking. Mr L----- T-------

Dear Supplicant Mr L-----,

Thank God for drive-time radio!

Love, Keira . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Keira's Weekly Quiz!

2006-10-13T21:57:00.000-04:00

A new development for the site! Come and take the new Weekly Quiz, and find out whether you have been paying attention, or are just a gawker.

Prides and Prejudices, Saturday 14 October 2006.

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- A Tetra Cartoon, "Pumpkin Bumpkin"

2006-10-13T02:48:00.000-04:00

Yay! Another Tetra Cartoon! Prides and Prejudices, Friday 13 October 2006.

Another full-page, full-color, hastily conceived and executed Tetra cartoon! It's time for the Harvest Dance, and Tetra expects to win a prize with his extra-special crops. But will that sarcastic rat ruin his fun? . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- The Maternal Prerogative

2006-10-11T17:46:00.000-04:00

The twenty-sixth big article! Prides and Prejudices, Thursday 12 October 2006.

THE
MATERNAL PREROGATIVE
Keira's Treatise on the Way Civilization May Best Be Achieved

PART ONE: CONCEPTION THROUGH PRE-ADOLESCENCE

On Impregnation and Gestation:
Modern science recognizes a blurring between the roles of environment and heredity; in fact, many hereditary factors may be overcome if significant leverage is applied in a child's formative years. Therefore, one must begin to instill Civilization from the outset. As it is unlikely that any genuinely Civilized, reasonably good-looking male individual exists, one often has to make do with what is close and easily available, and hope the father had not squandered so much of their strength on video games as to be unable to produce a Rational spermatozoa. It is, then, up to the mother to immediately nourish the child with her Civilized blood, and her pleasant, Civilized thoughts of the future health and successful life of her child. To foster such, during this time she should limit her exposure to television, processed foodstuffs, and knowledge of extra-marital dalliances.

On Souvenirs:
If one intends to keep the umbilicus, a videotaped recording of the birth, or other scrapbook, why not go whole hog and keep a permanent record of the baby's first bowel movement, encased in Acrylic? The placenta, too, may be kept in a properly sealed plastic bag in the freezer, beneath your sacrificial slab of wedding cake. Forcing the child to immediately regurgitate their first taste of mother's milk and then encasing this tossup with a cut crystal phial will create a treasured memento for either mother or father, hung from a chain around the neck, or as a fob for the pocket watch chain. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Ranger Ricky on Sandhill Cranes and Moray Eels

2006-10-11T02:44:00.000-04:00

Another Ranger Ricky! Prides and Prejudices, Wednesday 11 October 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S
AMAZING ANIMALS
This week: Bring in the Noise

Only two of the fifteen different species of crane live in North America, the whooping crane and the sandhill crane (Grus canadensis [1] ). The name whooping crane probably tells you something about the noise that bird makes, if you haven't already become familiar with that horror via recording or nature film. It hardly seems possible, but the sandhill crane's call is even more objectionable, although if you are the sort of person who enjoys hearing someone who doesn't know how to play blow into a bugle as hard as they can right next to your ear, you might disagree with me on this point.

When I say blowing an off-key bugle as hard as they can right next to your ear, of course I am exaggerating to an extent: the sandhill crane is much louder than that. The noise a sandhill crane makes can be distinctly heard at a distance of five kilometers. Those unaccustomed to the sandhill crane's habits may think this might, just, be bearable to hear once in a while, but you would certainly be mistaken, for sandhill cranes live in flocks of around one hundred. Oh-- and several flocks may live in close proximity to one another.

I can only believe that this incredible obnoxiousness is why the sandhill crane is forced to migrate great distances each year. It probably started out less as a search for food than as a being run out of town on a rail sort of thing. There are flocks of thousands of sandhill cranes that travel all the way from Texas and New Mexico to the upper reaches of Alaska and Canada each summer, and then return for the winter. There is another group that makes a similar journey from the southernmost parts of California to Alaska. There is a third group that moves between Florida and the Great Lakes region. And then there are a couple of groups that have decided that they will stay in Florida permanently, and allow us the pleasure of their full-time company [2]. Imagine our luck. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Student Petition Protesting the Inhumane Conditions in Ms Keira's English Classes

2006-10-10T02:05:00.000-04:00

Another fabulous Tuesday at the school! Prides and Prejudices, Tuesday 10 October 2006.

STUDENT PETITION PROTESTING THE INHUMANE AND UN-AMERICAN CONDITIONS PERSISTENT IN MS [KEIRA'S] GIFTED AND TALENTED ENGLISH CLASSES

When, in the course of teenaged events, it becomes necessary for we, the 170 undersigned Students, to take up our Columbus Day Holiday writing and circulating a petition of this nature, it is obvious that things have reached such a Critical State that they must change.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that aged Teachers long established should not be changed for light and transient causes. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is the students' right, it is the students' duty, to throw off such Instructors. It is true that she's hot, and it's sort of funny that she thinks she's so hilarious, but as for the rest, we cannot take anymore.

Yet, we have tried, these past two months. Such has been the patient sufferance of these undersigned Students: The history of the present Gifted and Talented English Teacher, Ms [Keira], is a history of repeated injuries, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these Students. To prove this, let these Facts be submitted to a candid world: . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Ranger Ricky on Milk Snakes, Moose, and Japanese Macaques

2006-10-09T02:07:00.000-04:00

A one month anniversary! Prides and Prejudices, Monday 09 October 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S
AMAZING ANIMALS
This week: A Mixed Bag

It is hard to know where to begin with my complaints about the milk snake (Lampropeltis "shiny skin" triangulum), which is indigenous to the central and eastern parts of North and Central America. To start off with, it is not the color of milk at all: of the twenty-five species, there is not one that even the most color-blind would confuse with any sort of dairy product. For the most part, their bodies have a pale whitish-yellow color, but this is interspersed with large, black-bordered reddish-orange spots. The eastern milk snake is various shades of brown, grey, and deep red. The scarlet king snake and black milk snake speak for themselves.

The milk snake does not produce milk, either. In fact, the milk snake has no interest in their young at all, let alone getting all La Leche League about it. Baby milk snakes happen like this: Precisely like not-very-bright humans at a discotheque, male milk snakes get in the mood for love by crowding themselves around other male milk snakes and rubbing around for a while, until one of them gets pinned to the ground. The female watches idly by, wondering what any of this has to do with her, until all the Greco-Roman wrestling starts to make her think she should just give up on the lot of them and go home and watch teevee. As a last-ditch attempt at saving the evening she puts on a half-hearted show by raising up her tail. The lesser male snake slither off to tell their friends that the female milk snake is a Lesbian, and the other male quickly takes care of things. The female realizes she should have stuck with her first instinct, and gone home and watched Blind Date. A month later, the female lays anywhere between two and fifteen strangely elongated eggs. Six to nine weeks later, the babies hatch, orphans for all extent and purposes. If there was milk of any description involved in some part of the above tale, I missed it. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Tetra Cartoon: "Berry Funny, Tet!"

2006-10-06T05:13:00.000-04:00

No, it's not an article at all! It's a full page Tetra cartoon! Prides and Prejudices, Friday 06 October 2006.

Enjoy the antics of the world's most beloved paper polyhedron, Tetra, and his irascible housemate, the Sarcastic Rat, in their new adventure, "Berry Funny, Tet!"

[continue on to the cartoon]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Getting to I Don't Care

2006-10-05T06:20:00.000-04:00

A twenty-first triumph! Prides and Prejudices: Thursday 05 October 2006.

GETTING TO
I DON'T CARE
-- Keira's Guide to Easier, Faster, Results-Oriented Writing --

(For the Internet, School, or Otherwise)

As anyone familiar with these pages is well aware, one manifestation of my Genius is the ability to prepare daily humorous Essays in the generous 1500-2000 word range. This facility with words and facts seems impressive to those who labor to crank out a few scratchy sentences to fill their online journals, and rightly so. The inability to write interesting things is why the vast majority of Internet users contribute nothing to what is allegedly an interactive medium, and why an even larger percentage of those who do attempt to contribute never present anything of value.

Still, since we can't all be Geniuses from whom light-hearted words, wisdom, and grace waft as easily as perfume from a flower, mightn't there also be learnable techniques that less talented writers use in order to fill the world with such a super-abundance of words? Indeed there are, and this essay will attempt to analyze and then instruct you on the methodologies other writers are successfully utilizing to fill not only their blogs, but their business reports, school work, newspaper columns, and even books. Once the underlying philosophy of Getting to I Don't Care is grasped, you will find your own projects being completed as if no genuine work were involved at all! . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Ranger Ricky on Woodlice

2006-10-04T01:37:00.000-04:00

Twenty great big articles completed! Prides and Prejudices, Wednesday 04 October 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S
AMAZING ANIMALS
This week: Curl Up and Die

There may be some people who are afraid of the woodlouse, but I haven't met them. Even the most apprehensive and squeamish of young girls doesn't find them offensive: they are not slimy, they don't move very fast, they aren't venomous, don't bite, pinch or sting in the first place, and they don't carry diseases. Almost anyplace in the world, all you have to do is look under a dead log, or some rotting leaves, or some seaweed, and you'll find them with no difficulty. When found, their vision is so poor they don't do a very good job of running away, so that even a three year-old can capture one with their paper cup. A good number of woodlice also do a cute little trick of rolling up into a ball when they think they're being threatened, which makes them look like a funny little bead, and allows you to hold them in the palm of your hand without worrying about them walking all over you with their icky feet. So long as you pretend to be unaware that they eat their own droppings, and practice cannibalism, it would be hard to think of a more common, safe, and enjoyable creature to investigate.

This is probably why the woodlouse (Oniscidea) has so many different names: roly-polys, pill bugs, sow bugs, slaters, doodlebugs, potatobugs, and probably dozens others. Now, tell me how many names children have for wasps, or bees.

The problem with children, however, is that they know almost nothing, and adults are hardly any better. Children will spend long periods of time watching woodlice, or trying to shoot the curled up ones like baby marbles, but they never bother to get a book and find out any facts about them. Adults tell the curious children whatever incorrect name they learned to call woodlice when they young, and go back to watching daytime television. Thus it is that so few are even aware that the common woodlouse they have seen a thousand times is a terrestrial crustacean, let alone that there are well over 3,500 species of them worldwide. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Petty Carping from Ms [Keira's] Suggestion Box

2006-10-03T00:30:00.000-04:00

Look, it's the nineteenth article! Prides and Prejudices, Tuesday 03 October 2006.

PETTY CARPING FROM MS K'S
SUGGESTION BOX

- - - - -

The chairs are too hard. Can't you get them to give us cushions?

- - - - -

How come you won't let us do comic books instead of the typed ones you make us read? I can usually read a comic in about a half hour, but most of these books I never even finish. Couldn't you just tell us the best parts to read? That will be on the test?

----

What is it you do all day? How come the school pays you to just sit there and stare off into space while we do our quizzes? Wouldn't it be more fair if you got paid for every minute you're actually teaching us something? I already know how to hit my forehead against the chalkboard.

- - - - -

I laughed when you told your joke again the other day. Do you have another one?

- - - - -

I swapped out the rims on my Camry with spinners this weekend, and they're really sick. Do you wanna buy the old ones for your beater? I've seen telephones made with less plastic.

- - - - -

Please read this tract. It's helped a lot of people like you. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Ranger Ricky on Cheetahs and Brown Recluses

2006-10-02T02:04:00.000-04:00

A new week, an eighteenth article: Prides and Prejudices, Monday 02 October 2006,

RANGER RICKY'S
AMAZING ANIMALS
This week: Small Minds

The word "cheetah" comes from the Hindi chita, or spotted one, which has some sense to it. My own cats get their names from their colorings as well: Müstard because she is the dappled brown color of a quality spicy brown mustard, and Öster because he is the same sickly yellowish color as a blender we used to have. The spellings of their respective names were the embellishment of my mother, who tends towards a Teutonic sense of humor (if that). At the time I was old enough to protest, but not old enough to prevail, and she was sneaky enough to get collars and food bowls customized with those ridiculous spellings. The pseudo-Germanic names stuck, and I now suffer a serial umlaut [1] affliction as the result. What effect this has had on Müstard and Öster's feline psychologies I cannot say, but I suspect it is the reason for their frequent vomiting. It is also likely one of the reasons I like dogs better.

I bring up my vaguely-domesticated housecats in order to compare them to the cheetah, which most people think of as only a rare, swift-footed wild animal of sub-Saharan Africa. Not so, historically.

Until fairly recently cheetah used to have a range that covered India, the Middle East as far north as the Caspian Sea, and almost the whole of the African continent. One hundred years ago there were still more than 100,000 of them lurking about, but farmers, trophy hunters, and poachers armed with rifles have reduced their numbers to the point there are currently less than 10,000 of them left. As a result of this decimation of their numbers they are protected as a species, but idiot tourists playing at safari chase the few that are left around with Jeeps and cameras, interfering with their hunting, and generally making nuisances of themselves. The cheetah get their passive-aggressive revenge on gawkers by dying from weird diseases and being difficult to breed when placed in captivity. Whether or not the caged cheetahs seem to throw up a lot for no reason whatsoever is a question you would have to ask a zookeeper, but I would guess the answer to be Yes. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- On Gentlemen Giving iPods as Gifts

2006-09-29T06:46:00.000-04:00

A seventeenth feature published, and it's a pip. Prides and Prejudices, Friday 29 September 2006.

ON GENTLEMEN GIVING
iPods as Gifts

-- Keira's Primer on the Art of Seduction --

Recent consumer surveys indicate that young women are almost as interested in certain types of portable electronics as young men. Although not especially [1] interested in video games or gaming machines, the young ladies of my experience do enjoy their cellphones to a disturbing degree, find infinite interest in crappy mySpace and matchmaking webpages, and have also taken to the iPod. "Ah-hah!" you gentlemen say, "How could the object of my affection not thrill to receiving an iPod as a gift from her beau?"

This shows once again how mistaken you can be, and how desperately you need to heed my Unfailing Wisdom.

Obviously you know nothing whatsoever about women, otherwise you wouldn't need to be offering an extravagant gift in the hopes of getting a girl to pay attention to you [2]. While such a present shows a certain amount of economic wherewithal [3] (which can't hurt your chances), the iPod has become ubiquitous, and may suggest to She Whom You Would Impress not so much your easy-going generosity and desire to please as your lack of imagination and lemming-like willingness to follow trends. The somewhat sterile modern lines and minimalist stylings of Apple products also give your Dream Girl no clue as to what precisely it is you mean with your gift-- Is this a romantic gesture, an invitation to marriage, an abject apology, offer of sincere friendship, or did you merely receive an extra for your birthday? The blank iPod façade offers no answers. Surely it is now clear to you that the problem with giving the iPod as a gift is that you must personalize it in some way in order for it to be effective as a woo. . . .[continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Ranger Ricky on Chipmunk and Wasp

2006-09-28T01:35:00.000-04:00

Did someone suggest sixteen big articles? Prides and Prejudices, 28 September 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S AMAZING ANIMALS
This Week: Mama's Family

There's nothing to like about mice or rats, so the only type of people you find having any affection for them tend to be the losers nobody cares about in the first place-- for example, gross high school boys who don't own cars, or Scientists who do animal testing. In an example of Reverse Stockholm Syndrome, you always see these Scientists on teevee letting their little rodent friends climb around on their arms, or ride around in their pockets, as though this were a thrill for either of them. To gauge from the looks on the Scientists' faces, instead of the soulless mercenary torturers they are, they imagine themselves to really be Magicians, and that letting a mouse out of its cage to clench frantically at their lab coat is some sort of Delightful Trick. I suppose this would be true, if you considered shitting in a pocket to be a trick.

There are two other major kinds of rodents (besides the rats and mice), namely, the squirrels and gophers, and the porcupines. Porcupines I don't know how to draw very well [sic], squirrels frighten me, and gophers are kind of boring, so instead I am going to talk about the chipmunk. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Confidential Report to the Principal

2006-09-27T00:15:00.000-04:00

A fifteenth incredible article: Prides and Prejudices, Wednesday 27 September 2006,

CONFIDENTIAL REPORT
TO THE PRINCIPAL

DATE: September 26, 2006
TO: Richard Shepherd, Principal
FROM: Hack Färseland, Building Supervisor
RE: "Our Miss Brooks"

Dear Principal Shepherd,

As per our phone conversation of the 18th, me and Travis did like you asked and checked out "Our Miss Brooks" to see if we could find anything out. It was kind of hard, since we had to keep calling her by your code name "Our Miss Brooks," even though that seems very dated. (I think my grandfather might've had a crush on Eve Arden, even though that was a radio show. Things were different then.)

So, for a while we tried calling her "Mary Richards" but that was still too antique-y for Travis, so I thought maybe "Bailey" from WKRP in Cincinnati (nope), and then I couldn't remember what Blair Brown's name was on that show. (Dammit! I just remembered-- she was Molly Dodd on The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd. That would have been a good one, if Travis had remembered.) For some reason Travis wanted to call her "Miss Crabtree," which he remembered from some Saturday Night Live skit about the Little Rascals with Eddie Murphy from when he was a kid, but I never liked that show. Then he thought it would also be hysterical to call her "Mrs. Cooper," but I still don't know why that is. Then I thought of "Miss Goodbar" but Travis didn't get that one, either. Then Travis wanted to call her "Ricky," but he was just confused, since that's what we call you. So eventually we just settled for "Kiki" since we figured that was good enough, and we could remember it, and it's sort of demeaning. I figure she deserves it, since she's always making mean jokes about me being named "Hack." . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Ranger Ricky on Hummingbirds and Turkeys

2006-09-25T23:46:00.000-04:00

The fourteenth fabulous article: Prides and Prejudices, Tuesday 26 September 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S
AMAZING ANIMALS

This week: Junkies and Geniuses

It seems hard to believe that hummingbirds enjoy their lives at all, but any number of human anthropomorphists are willing to make that decision for them, declaring that a hummingbird's energy, iridescent coloring, and acrobatic flight are the beautiful hallmarks of Natural Joy. As far as science can tell us, what, in fact, we are witnessing in hummingbird behavior is nothing more than a sustained state of Deathly Panic.

Hummingbirds are the second-largest bird family on earth, having over 300 different varieties, all located in North and South America. As a group, they have peculiar abilities, in comparison to other birds, in that they are able to fly without a running start or even a quick hop. They can beat their wings at a ferocious rate, for extended periods of time, and can hover for a bit, or even fly backwards. I can name thousands of insects who do this sort of thing as casually as you or I might scratch our ears, but to those that are mammal-centric, or caught up with the design failures of other birds, these are exciting developments.

The hummingbird performs these aeronautic feats as a result of two evolutionary quirks: In avian morphology, the wings have three sections, comparable to the upper arm, forearm, and hand, the "hand" part being the tip of the wing that flexes. Hummingbirds have these three sections, but the "upper arm" and "forearm" are abbreviated to almost nothing in the shoulder joint, and the wing is almost entirely "hand." This allows the hummingbird wing to move both backwards and forwards, and to rotate and tilt to any angle. The standard cliché is that a hummingbird wing operates analogously to an oar in the water, but I cannot see how this explanation will be of help to anyone who was born in the era of machine power. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Parent-Teacher Correspondence

2006-09-25T00:46:00.000-04:00

A new week, and a fourteenth hilarious article: Prides and Prejudices, Monday 25 September 2006

PARENT-TEACHER
CORRESPONDENCE

Dear Ms [Keira],

I was rightfully dubious when you started this whole ceedee burning thing for the "Inferno", and we all know how that turned out. But now I was just reading your syllabus and cannot for the life of me understand why you are making these kids grow mealworms in oatmeal boxes as a project relating to "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man." Have you even read this book?

Ms T--- Y-------

Dear Supplicant T---,

Why not say that your intellectual laziness is a vacuum that sucks up conspiracy theories and have done with it?

Love, Keira

* * * * *

Dear Miss [Keira],

My kid keeps coming home quoting this Michel Foucault fellow, and he says that you're not to blame, even though this guy was a queer. I don't believe him, and so I've looked over his articles and all I see is sloggy, wishful thinking held together by a marginally competent sleight-of-hand fabulist. I figure it's up to you to knock this point home, since you hate Jesus and procreative sex.

Mr T-- K-----

P.S. Stop the name-dropping!

Dear Supplicant T--,

Sorry to disappoint you, but we lemmings of the Academe must not think bad thoughts about M Foucault. It's in the handbook.

Love, Keira

P.S. One method of suicide is as good as another! . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Ranger Ricky on Sloths and Octopus

2006-09-22T00:48:00.000-04:00

Twelve unbelievable articles! Prides and Prejudices, Friday 22 September 2006,

RANGER RICKY'S
AMAZING ANIMALS
This week: Not as Bad as All That

In the sixth century, when Pope Gregory set about winnowing Evagrius of Pontus' Eight Deadly Sins down to a mere Seven, he folded Sloth (Gr. acedia, not to care) in with Sadness (L. tristitia). That didn't last long, Sadness was left by the wayside, and by the time Dante Alighieri got onto the case in 1260, Sloth had stuck in the medieval mind as a capital crime. Nobody bothered to ask the sloths about this, since the Christians had yet to invade and destroy the Central and South American regions where sloths live, and hadn't the slightest clue such creatures existed. All of which appears to be a case of uninformed pre-judgment, as there's certainly nothing to like about the sloth, but they're not as bad as all that.

So long as you don't have to associate with them, of course. Sloths make this emotional distance easy by shutting themselves off from the world in solitary, arboreal reserves, and by their remarkably poor grooming habits. It is sickening to report, but-- besides their unkempt claws, which are long and yellowish-- sloths also allow their hair to become so revoltingly filthy that it turns green from algae growth. I have long suspected some of the greasier Hot Topic aficionados who roam the halls of my school have this end in mind, but it's hard to compete with a creature which has been working on its bed head for many millions of years. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Black Mountain Journals: Rauschenberg, 1951

2006-09-20T23:44:00.000-04:00

An eleventh hilarious essay: Prides and Prejudices, Thursday 21 September 2006.

BLACK MOUNTAIN JOURNALS
RAUSCHENBERG, 1951

- - - - -

Well, this is a lot more rustic than the brochures led me to believe. It is cold and rainy, and this cottage has no heat. Everything is damp. There aren't even any stores around. Asheville is thirty miles away. This may have been a huge mistake.

- - - - -

This cottage smells like formaldehyde and mice. They gave us beans from a can.

- - - - -

Somebody left some canvases in one of the studios over the summer. It's covered with mildew and mold.

- - - - -

Josef said that the reason my pillow is stained brown is from Bucky Fuller's headsweat, and not because it was dropped in the toilet. I guess he drinks so much Lipton's that he leaks tannin. I don't know why that explanation makes me feel worse, but it does.

The toilet doesn't even work. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Ranger Ricky on Pandas, Walrus, and Gorilla

2006-09-20T00:18:00.000-04:00

Ten! Ten enormous articles! Prides and Prejudices, Wednesday 20 September 2006:

RANGER RICKY'S
AMAZING ANIMALS

This week: Large Mammals

Did you know that some Chinese believe that pandas have special powers, and that their meat has healing qualities? There were even Chinese emperors who kept panda bears as pets, allowing them to roam the imperial gardens. How an otherwise inventive and hardworking people found themselves suckered into believing such nonsense, and being led by such dolts, are the lessons History spells out in a boldface font, but which are obviously ignored by everyone, especially in the United States.

Panda bears have thick, wooly, slightly oily fur that serves as protection for them during cold, wet winters. That fur doesn't do the slightest bit of good against Spiritualists with sharp knives, or an amorous Potentate's nighttime advances, however. Pandas have sharp claws, but they nap heavily, for hours at a time. Their vision is very poor, and they are easy to sneak up on. If you want to do some sort of weird ritual on one to improve your sex life, it's pretty easy. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Interoffice Memo from the Principal

2006-09-19T01:28:00.000-04:00

An exciting ninth vignette: Prides and Prejudices, Tuesday 19 September 2006

INTEROFFICE MEMO
FROM THE PRINCIPAL

Miss [Keira],

I had hoped last spring that when you decided to renew your contract for another year it signified a change in your general approach and attitude toward myself, this school, and the teaching profession. Unfortunately, little more than a month into this new school year it appears that, if anything, your conduct is more troubling to the discipline and morale of this campus than ever.

We have discussed many of the following items before, so consider this to be a second Written Warning. A copy of this memo, and your mandated reply, will be included in your personnel folder for no less than three years following your last disciplinary warning. A third Warning may open you up for review by the School Board and potential dismissal.

1.) It has been clear from the outset that your initial (and seemingly, only) reaction to authority is to belittle and demean it. Dealing with adolescents on a day-to-day basis, I and the other faculty are all too aware of this juvenile impulse to mockery, and are fairly tolerant to good-natured, mild abuse-- when it comes from students. When constant and unrelenting scorn comes from one of the teachers, and is engaged in in front of, and with, the students, it creates not only an intolerable work environment, but an unsatisfactory pedagogical environment. Your supposedly humorous jibes at myself, the other administrators, and your co-workers must stop immediately. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Ranger Ricky on Armadillos, Mantids, and Chiggers

2006-09-17T22:36:00.000-04:00

An eighth article published: Prides and Prejudices, Monday 18 September 2006

RANGER RICKY'S
AMAZING ANIMALS
This week: All Dumb

The public mind seems to have taken hold of the idea that armadillos are plated in armor and run with it. I take issue with that, since the most common, nine-banded, armadillo does have bony plates on his back and tail, but also has a coarse-furred belly that is just as awful a thing as you can imagine. If you have ever seen an armadillo from below, then you know what I'm talking about. If all you have ever seen is a picture of one from above, you cannot possibly guess at the horror to which I refer.

The carapace on the back of an armadillo is not bone, per se, but bony, which is a little like the difference between full penetration and a dry hump; sort of, but not close at all. The armadillo's carapace is hard and leathery, but not stiff, and more scaly than anything else. Really, it's as if The Maker were attempting to find all of the attractive possible characteristics and put them all in one place, isn't it? (The same thing happened to Judd Hirsch.) . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- What's so Mysterious about the Etruscans?

2006-09-15T01:09:00.000-04:00

A seventh article: Prides and Prejudices, Friday 15 September 2006:

WHAT'S SO MYSTERIOUS ABOUT THE ETRUSCANS?

There are a lot of people who make their living trying to make reasonably intelligent, reasonably capable, people think they are incompetent to do things properly by themselves. For instance, a casual glance in a telephone directory or on the Internet will reveal dozens of local tradespeople willing to organize your closetspace for you. The fact that, historically, up until about sixty or seventy years ago no one even had a closet to organize doesn't seem to convince them that their made-up speciality is a hoax. The fact that a closet, by definition, is a closed box, making such organization unnecessary, is similarly ignored, in their frenzy to bilk an unsuspecting public. The fact that millions of people, such as myself, are easily able to see through their subterfuge, and are perfectly content stuffing items onto top shelves, or into back corners, does not seem to clue them in as to their lack of credibility. It would appear that their belief that they are performing a needed service is the equivalent to the gullible public believing such a service actually being necessary. The same may be said of those who have taken to calling themselves Etruscologists. . . .[continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius -- Ranger Ricky on Seahorses and Slugs

2006-09-13T23:01:00.000-04:00

Another amazing article: Prides and Prejudices-- Thursday 14 September 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S AMAZING ANIMALS
This week: Offensive, in Every Sense

It often seems that, in the Natural History essay trade in which I am engaged, too much emphasis is placed upon the gross, the bloody, the obscene, and the grotesque, in order to capture a stupid public's lukewarm interest in the world around them. A nice example of this was found in "Sir" Richard Attenboro's Time-Life videotape series, The Trials of Life, which purported to fill the television screens of monthly subscribers with all sorts of Animal Snuff-- for educational benefit. I am sure I cannot imagine why your children need to know how to swallow a water buffalo in one savage bite, or what it would be like to have a tiger disembowel you, or, even worse, what, precisely, the metric was the Beastie Boys were referring to when they sang, "My man MCA has a penis like a billy goat." Let alone why you would pay for the privilege of exposing your whelps to these disturbing images. And yet you did. Isn't it easier, more economical, and more American, to just let them watch the beheadings on 24?

Be that as it may, the revolting, beastly creatures, and their stomach-turning, foul, habits, are presented in my columns because that's the way they are, not for some crass, commercial exploitation. I suppose if there were more creatures as exceptionally clean, well-behaved, intelligent, and beautiful as myself, this space might afford more in the way of Art. . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- In a sKnit

2006-09-13T14:56:00.000-04:00

A new article: Prides and Prejudices, Wednesday 13 September 2006:

In a sKnit

It is nearly impossible to guess why something as arcane and superfluous as Knitting should become fashionable among quasi- and proto-Hipsters, yet, like decoupage flowers, pink hair dye, and The Shins, should one suffer the misfortune to find yourself in the company of marginally or insufficiently employed young women in their teens and twenties, Knitting is sure to be discussed, and possibly practiced. That, A.) mechanized knitting machines have made such repetitive drudgery unnecessary for a century, B.) that the individualism of art involved in such productions amounts to choosing a color, and, C.) that one could easily purchase knitted hats, mittens, scarves, and socks of superior workmanship at Dollar Tree, are the unstated economic and labor terms on which these conversations-- and the practice itself-- rest. That larger knitted items, such as afghans and sweaters, are not only unwanted by their recipients, but openly reviled as the bulky and uncomfortable burdens they are, is the tragedy of those who take the pastime seriously.

Essentially, then, Knitting is a pose to these ladies, yet with a few twists: It is hard to think of a more openly masturbatory practice in its motions, yet one can talk at the same time. (Noticeably, not with any depth, as one is always obsessively "counting." One of its chief allures must be that Knitting offers its practitioners an antique excuse to sit around watching television.) . . . [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Ranger Ricky on Flamingos, Mosquitoes, and Seabirds

2006-09-12T19:30:00.000-04:00

A fourth essay: Prides and Prejudices, Tuesday 12 September 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S
AMAZING ANIMALS

This week: Life in Florida

There are still reverberations from my comments last week concerning manatees. Despite dozens of communiqués, I have yet to hear a single valid reason why I should care about these giant sacks of cowardice. Hopefully this column full of Floridian wildlife lore will stop the malcontents dead in their tracks.

- - - - -

You can find the alligator in a lot of places in the Southeastern United States, but for some reason (the millions of billboards), they have become identified with my state. I wish we had something else of interest besides things that bite, are stupid, or are very very small rocks, but I guess we don't.

Actually, you can find alligators in a number of places, like China or India or Australia or South America or Africa. I am sure any of these would be more interesting than the short-nosed ones we have around here, which are just rude and ridiculous looking. I believe they appeal primarily to small boys.... [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Student Essays on John Donne's "The Bait"

2006-09-12T19:24:00.000-04:00

The third article: Prides and Prejudices, Monday 11 September 2006.

ESSAYS FROM MY STUDENTS ON JOHN DONNE'S THE BAIT

Dear Miz [Keira],

You are always telling us we should talk to you if we're having trouble with the work, so I decided to write you this letter instead of the essay we were supposed to turn in today, since I didn't want to be embarrassed when everybody else was handing their papers in and I didn't.

The reason I didn't finish the essay was that I didn't start it because I never understood why it was we were supposed to be writing it in the first place. I got confused when you kept talking about that fish being a metaphor, but that doesn't make any sense to me, and besides it's against the Bible to not say what you literally mean, so I couldn't.... [continue]

Prides and Prejudices: The Tragedy of Genius-- Ranger Ricky on Badgers, Peacocks, Capybara

2006-09-12T19:19:00.000-04:00

The second article: Prides and Prejudices, Friday 08 Septmber 2006.

RANGER RICKY'S
AMAZING ANIMALS
This Week: Fairly Disgusting

Have you ever wondered what a badger eats for dinner? I bet you haven't, which is why I will attempt to avoid the topic entirely. There's not a lot that anyone with any common sense wants to know about the badger, other than questions which might come up during a game of Trivial Pursuit, so I will razor through to the most essential.

For absolutely unknowable reasons, scientists classify badgers as part of the Mustelidae family, which also includes weasels, skunks, minks, ferrets, martens, otters, wolverines, and polecats. All of these animals are short and release a disgusting odor when they are afraid or angry. In this way, you might think of badgers as being part of a roomful of ill-tempered fifth-grade boys.... [continue]

Falafel [née Waffle] House

2006-09-12T19:13:00.000-04:00

The first article: Thursday 07 September 2006.

From the Waffle House Corporate Office

Mr A----- T------
Board of Directors
Waffle House Restaurants
Atlanta, GA

Dear Ms [Keira],

Thank you for your recent letter to our Board, which we read with great interest, not to mention surprise and curiosity. It seems more than somewhat strange to us that someone who is not a stockholder in our company, nor a franchisee or employee, and who (paraphrasing your quite forceful statements on pages 5-8), very intentionally, and for a number of reasons, does not "ever" patronize our restaurant chain, would have so many elaborate suggestions as to how we might drastically restructure our (already very successful, 55-year old) business model. While we must decline to implement your innumerable suggestions, as you apparently put many sleepless nights into composing your manifesto, please allow me to highlight some of our primary objections, which you may not have entirely considered.... [continue]

Parthenogenesis

2006-09-12T18:46:00.000-04:00

The wonderful new website Prides and Prejudices is now up and running. Updated daily, it will contain humorous essays and cartoons about science, literature, history, and culture from Keira, a sardonic high school English teacher.

This blog will announce each new article to an Internet reading public that aches for longer essays and line drawings.